it's T1, actually. so faster than cable and i don't have to share bandwidth (good for my pirate activities), but the whole stealing tv thing won't fly then.

oh well. probably better for me anyway. tv rots the brain. or something.

Big hardcover books stacked on top of each other make for great little tables to put junk on! :)

this is the mistake. cross posted from my livejournal (as most of these are):

okay. so. last night i had like the equivalent of like 3 shots all in like an hour and a half; little effect, small buzz, could still walk. tonight? tonight i have one measly woodchuck dark and dry cider and i'm all wobbly and woooozy and freaking out cause my heart feels like it's beating too fast. i'm doing the best i can not to lose control of my fingers and spell everything correctly. shit. what the hell?

i could make a big stupid mistake feeling the way i do right now. the little voice saying no no no don't be that girl is starting to slur a little.

oh my gawd. 20-29 inches of snow in boston. shiiit. bout a foot or so in fort wayne. here? nearly an inch. it's kinda depressing actually. i miss the snow.

(uh oh. here we go. i think the little voice passed out. she may even be drooling.) you know, it would be nice to be given another chance instead of sidelined and avoided. things were really fucking weird a while ago, yes, i admit. BUT! but. but...like the brilliant observation come true, things are better now that i'm not in that nasty stagnant spot anymore. i'm feeling me again. i'm happy, in touch, smiling, not taking life so damn seriously again. granted, maybe some demons followed me down, but their claws are dulling and their holds are slipping. i'm not going to be that girl. i'm not co-dependent, and i'm not expecting shit. i just don't know how to get past this wall i suddenly find in front of me.

wow. i just read some of my earlier shit, the stream of consciousness of an earlier me, chronicled on a public website. it's brilliant. why can't i write like that anymore? where's my confidence in my words, in my expression? is it just rustiness or is it the cotton swath i find myself constantly wrapped in? i don't know of a time when i felt so numb and yet so raw. i'd love to be certain of something, in something, but there's too much trepidation and isolation. i know that i could help if i could connect. the problems you're having, the problems she's having, the problems they're having, i'm having them too. i miss being a confidant, miss being in the role of one who knows, one who can help. it's so much easier to deal with your own problems when you can relate to them through compassion, when you can put things in perspective and stop looking out from the inside. it's easier to tap into wisdom when it's for someone else.

am i starting to confuse you? i think i'm starting to lose it. i've got those weird chills that start on your spine and flood to your limbs, causing tremors and tsunamis of emotion. maybe i should go to bed. if only i had a good book to lose myself in. an escape would be nice, and nothing's worked so far. reality's too damn real.

bless you, tommy, for reading it. <muwah> and i still love that nipple pic.

found out i had strangers reading my livejournal yesterday. and i'm not talking the occaisional accidental drop in. i'm talking rss-type subscription holders. nothing i have a problem with, it was just a little strange finding out my auidience is a little more broad than originally thought. but i'll keep this short. (:

hey now. maybe some people who are writers should realize that sometimes there's stuff that's gotta be written first, the water that's already in the hose when you turn it on.


(you know i love ya. and yeah yeah yeah, i'm working on it. <grumble> (: )

bah I meant allergies...with two 'L's

*bleh* on misspelled words

but only in one eye? i dunno. i think she had something in it or scratched it somehow. it's looking okay at the moment.